


kiss me under the moonlight, won't you?

by marvelousblues



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alcohol, Bucky is trying his best, Drinking to Cope, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Pining, Possibly Unrequited Love, References to Depression, Steve is really just having a bad day, idk yet tbh, might make this a multi chapter later on idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2020-04-07 17:27:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19089703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marvelousblues/pseuds/marvelousblues
Summary: Bucky had always been there for Steve, and tonight is no different. But Bucky is finding it harder to ignore his feelings for his best friend.





	kiss me under the moonlight, won't you?

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song "Steve" by Jeremy Messersmith. Dedicated to @616buck on twitter, who showed me this song! Also, thank you to Becca, Holly and Trina for proof-reading and offering feedback!
> 
> This is the first story I've ever posted publicly and the first time I've ever written Steve/Bucky, so please be kind! Hopefully things aren't too OOC and I tagged everything appropriately. Feel free to comment with any feedback, it would be greatly appreciated! :)

Bucky, for as long as he could remember, had always been by Steve’s side. He was able to recall being with Steve through some of the toughest moments of the younger man’s life and seventy years of separation hadn’t changed a thing. It took some time for them to begin opening up to each other again, but after Bucky came back from his recovery in Wakanda things eventually fell back into place. When one couldn’t shoulder the stress that came with their jobs or their day to day life, the other was always there to pick up the slack.

Of the two men, Steve was usually the most open with his friend about how he was feeling. However, that didn’t mean there weren’t times when Steve would try to isolate himself. Having moved into an apartment just below his friend, Bucky went up to see him with the intention of visiting and ended up finding Steve sitting alone at his dining room table; it seemed tonight would be one of those rare instances.

Nothing but the dim light of a laptop screen illuminated the small kitchen. Steve was sitting so still in front of the screen that Bucky wondered for a moment if he’d somehow fallen asleep at the table. He reached a hand out to shake his friend awake, but stopped when he realized the empty bottles of liquor sitting on the table. As 1940’s newsreels and old Captain America footage played on the laptop, Bucky realized just what was going on.

“Steve…” Bucky said, hoping his sadness didn’t come across too much in his tone. Steve turned his head slightly towards his friend, then nodded towards the chair across from him.

“Back in 2014, when SHIELD fell, I went back to Camp Lehigh. I told you about it, remember?” Steve said, not bothering to look up at his friend.

Bucky grimaced as he flipped the light switch on, eyes adjusting to the sudden flood of light. When Bucky pulled his chair closer to sit beside Steve he noticed the tears in his friend's eyes for the first time; his eyes were red and the streaks of old tears on his cheeks were much more noticeable now that Bucky was up close. He ignored the voice in the back of his mind telling him to reach out and wipe the tears away with his thumb and settled for giving his friend a sympathetic smile instead.

“Course I do. Told me all about Zola and everything... What about it?” Bucky asked, taking the bottle of liquor Steve was currently working on and setting it aside. Sure, he knew Steve couldn’t get drunk, but it was still instinct.

“He told me my death amounted to the same as my life... A zero sum.” Steve trailed off, finishing off the drink in his glass. He looked around for the bottle and gave up with a sigh, sinking back into his chair.

“That couldn’t be further from the truth, Steve. Look at all the people you’ve helped, all the lives you’ve saved. There isn’t a person alive who has done mo-” Steve’s sudden laughter caught Bucky off guard. It wasn’t his normal laughter, the kind that made Bucky’s heart swell whenever heard it, but a bitter and empty sound that made his heart sink into his stomach.

“He also said I was... out of time. Yeah, he was probably talking about the missile that’d been launched at me and Nat, but I can’t help but think of how it really applied to so much more. I am out of time, Buck, so out of place here. The world has changed and… and almost everyone we know is gone…”

Bucky could tell from the look in his eyes what, or rather who, exactly Steve was referring to. Steve had told him before about finding Peggy once he got out of the ice. He’d also told him about going to visit her, and later, about being a pallbearer at her funeral. It hurt him to think he couldn’t have been there for Steve. He knew he would’ve been there if he’d been able to and he knew Steve wasn’t resentful, but it still bothered him from time to time.

The two men sat in silence for what seemed like forever, neither really knowing how to follow up after Steve’s statement. What could Bucky possibly say, was there even anything he could say? Steve seemed lost in his own thoughts and Bucky wondered if it was even a good idea to continue the conversation, or if it would be better to just offer his support silently. The clock on the wall ticked on and on, almost inaudibly, before Steve broke the silence, his voice hoarse and barely above a whisper now.

“Y’know… sometimes I wish they’d never found me, Buck. Sometimes, I wish they’d have just left me in the ice. I try and not focus on everything I’ve lost.” Steve choked on a sob, and wiped the tears spilling from his eyes with the back of his hand.

Everything inside of Bucky screamed for him to reach out and comfort him, but his body refused to move. He wanted to wrap Steve in his arms, whisper to him that everything would be alright and that he’d fix it, that he’d make it all okay for Steve because there was nothing he wouldn’t do for him. But he fought the urge to act and again settled for staring helplessly at Steve as he continued to vent.

“It hurts, Bucky, it hurts so fucking much to find some small piece of normalcy and have in taken from you a second time.” the blonde whimpered, a gut wrenching sob escaping his lips. He buried his face in his hands and sobbed openly now, and Bucky felt like he was watching his world fall apart around him.

The rest of the night was spent with Bucky trying to help Steve in whatever way he could manage. He was able to eventually wrap an arm around Steve’s shoulders, rubbing slow circles on his back as he let Steve cry his frustrations out. Bucky could count on both hands had have fingers left over the amount of times Steve broke down like this and it shook him to the core every single time, but at least he knew his friend wasn’t bottling things up. At least Steve was opening up to Bucky instead of sitting in a dark apartment by himself.

And even though Bucky knew Steve would never love him the way he loved Steve, at least he had these small moments. Moments where he could pretend like they had a chance at being something more, that Bucky could be more than Steve’s “pal”. When Bucky eventually saw Steve safely to bed and he was back in his own apartment, he’d kick himself for his thoughts. How could he think of stuff like that with his friend mourning, practically having a breakdown in his lap? If you’d asked him then, there had never been a moment where he felt more selfish. Bucky wished he could just help his friend without feeling like he’d been run over by a bus. There was absolutely nothing Bucky wouldn’t do to ease his best friend’s pain, but how much longer would he lie to himself and deny his feelings?

Bucky spent the rest of the night staring at his ceiling, sleepless into the early morning hours, asking himself that question and a million other ones like it. He’d play the scenarios over and over, analyzing every possible way he could tell Steve how he felt and every possible reaction Steve might have. Of course he’d always be there for Steve in the end, he was in fact his best friend, but there were so many more possibilities for them.

But the real question, the one that really kept him up, was if he was willing to risk everything he already had to make Steve see those possibilities too.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Hopefully I'll be posting some more stuff in the future! If you enjoyed the story, please leave kudos or a comment, as it would mean a lot to me!


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